I am so out of the link of current pop-culture (thank heavens!!!) that I completely failed to notice even the existence of the Twilight phenomenon, despite the fact that the film crew was shooting in Portland earlier this year, and that it’s apparently been talked about in every publication from your basic tabloids to Newsweek, AND it’s apparently all over the godsforsasken Intarnubz.

For those of you who are similarly blessed to be out of the loop, this is a very silly PG-rated series of books about twu wuv between a klutzy (but otherwise Mary Sue perfect) girl named Bella and a (OMG!) vampire boy who sparkles. Literally.

I know, it sounds ridiculous. It’s like fanfic run amok. How could such a silly thing become so huge, and make in the neighborhood of a bazillion dollars? The answer is simple: people (especially teen girls) are heart-breakingly stupid. The upside is that this is all terribly entertaining, in a can’t-look-away-from-the-car-crash kind of way.

Anxiety’s friend Kate made her borrow the first book and read it, which naturally led to Anxiety demanding to buy the second book. On our most recent trip to Powell’s, we obtained the third book. Just so I’m not a totally-clueless mom, I read the first & second books, but after reading the hilarity that is Cleolinda’s take on Twilight (thank you Karel for the link!), I no longer feel the need to read the last 2 books. I certainly couldn’t enjoy it as much as Cleo’s synopses of them! (“The pillow-biting will never, ever stop cracking my shit up. Ever. OM NOM ROUGH SEX NOM.”)

Actually, there is ZERO sex in the first 3 books, and the only sex in the fourth is “fade to black” scenes after they get married. It’s no surprise that these are written by a devout Mormon (who thought hand-holding was mind-blowing when she was 16 years old, OMG), and adored by suburban moms everywhere because of the zero sex content. (Reading the first couple of books did give me flashbacks to my own teen angst over boys, leaving me with just a touch of outrage that I never had a boyfriend who sparkled.)

The movie comes out in November, and I will definitely have to see it, mainly so I can take Anxiety and her boyfriend of several months, who looks vaguely like the actor who plays the bad guy in the movie. Also I want to enjoy the lulz of the whole ridiculous thing. (Oh crap, I just realized this means I’ll have to be in a movie theater with 300 girls under the age of 15: ***My personal version of Hell.*** Well, perhaps some of them will mistake Anxiety’s boyfriend for James, and hilarity will ensue. Oh yeah, that would be lulz-tastic!)

Honestly, the books are so simplistic and repetitive — if accurate regarding teen angst run amok (sometimes so stupidly it makes you wonder how the hell humanity became the dominant species on the planet) — that it’s almost painful to read. The author’s writing style can be most charitably described as casual. Kudos to Stephenie Meyer for having gotten published, but geez lady, take some writing lessons already! If nothing else, the Twilight phenomenon will provoke thousands of people to realize, “Hey, I can write better than this crap!” and perhaps a whole new slew of authors will be born.

This made me smile. A lot.

That is all.

All about my vacation road trip…

And now for something completely TMI…

My eggs are starting to hatch! Yay! I found a new toy, a scroll to show off my babies —

Edit: And Geoffrey has succumbed to the madness, now, as well:

Anxiety & Molly need to make incubators so I can post them, too!
And now for something completely TMI…

I can has dragon eggs! Yay!

(If you click on them, it helps them hatch!)

Geoffrey — got a Utilikilt (in black, of course) and has been wearing it non-stop. He looks quite good in it, and doesn’t even mind when I make jokes about my boyfriend wearing a skirt. Of course the first thing I did when I saw him in it was perform a kilt-check. *saucy grin*

Claire — The other day, I gave her a mini mug from Starbucks, because Jonathan (the World’s Cutest Toddler) likes to drink out of it. It’s about a 3-ounce mug, with an exterior graphic of coffee beans. She laughed and said she’d have to take it when they visit her mother, because her mother hates that she & Robert drink coffee. I asked, “Why? Is she Mormon, or Jehovah’s Witness, or Seventh Day Adventist?” Claire said, “No, she’s just a cunt who likes trying to control us.” *dies laughing*

Angst — got a new jarb, and is clearly having lots of fun with it. (BTW, watch out for the not-work-safe, as she is a shameless exhibitionist with nakie modeling pics on her LJ. Her father — the latent JW — would be so proud. *snicker*)

Christopher Moore — I just finished reading Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal. Whether or not you are (or ever were) Christian, if you have a sense of humor, you should read it. Seriously. (And I say that ironically, because the book is hilarious. But wonderful, and at points, even quite touching. The Powell’s review calls it “irreverent without being disrespectful,” and they’re right.) “Oh, look — a seagull!” *dies laughing some more*

Anxiety — My darling daughter did not want to go to the mall for back-to-school clothes shopping. Neither did she want to go to the Gap, or Target, or anything so pedestrian. She wanted to go to The Bins (or, as the sign on the front of the warehouse says, the “Goodwill Retail Outlet.” Yeah, okay. The Bins.) We got 52 pounds of clothes for $37. My kid rocks. (She just got back from 3 days at the Shakespeare Festival. I have no clue where she got that particular inclination, because it wasn’t from me.)

Rissa — My goddaughter, who is 8, clearly has her priorities in order. When Anxiety pointed out to her that there was a dead goldfish in their aquarium, what did the little darling immediately say? With glee in her voice? “I want to poke it!” What a great kid. Totally awesome.

My new toy — The non-tobacco Njoy is pretty nifty; you get nicotine and the physical “handling” aspects of smoking, without the health dangers. I got my starter pack last week, and I think it’s really going to help me cut down on smoking. (Maybe even someday quit entirely…but don’t hold your breath just yet.) Yesterday, for the first time since probably 1992 (when I was in labor with the youngest), I went 5 conscious hours without a cigarette. For those of you who have no addictions, trust me, this was a MAJOR big deal.

Lyse — Next Monday (on my vacation!), we’re going to the Oregon Vortex! Then we’ll hop back on I-5, head across Highway 42 to the coast, and take Highway 101 back up. The itinerary (aside from the Vortex) is a surprise, but I’m certain Lyse will love it and have tons of fun!!!

I’m so worked up about the road trip…you know, I spent hours — HOURS, I say! — researching the southern Oregon area on the Internet, trying to find fun stuff to do. (It kinda reminded me of sixth grade, when each kid in my class had to choose an Oregon county and do a research paper on it. I chose Douglas County, because I had a thing for that name. And I learned that Douglas County is quite possibly the most boring section of the entire 98,000 square miles of our state. It’s like a desolate part of the outback of Australia, but with trees.) So, hours of research…versus about 10 minutes of research on the towns of Bandon and Myrtle Creek (the western edge of Highway 42), which provided me with at least 6 totally fascinating tourist attractions to visit!

Yay!

101 degrees at 7pm is Not Okay.

I have no idea how I’m going to get to sleep tonight. It was misery trying to sleep last night; I had 2 triple mochas today and was still nodding off at my desk.

A pan of dry ice behind a fan is starting to sound like a really good idea.

I was granted a reprieve by the Yarn Gods, and the visit to my grandmother was delayed until this Saturday. And I am almost done with the throw blanket!!!

I don’t have an arthritic knee, yesterday’s doctor’s visit determined. Just tendonitis. Anyway, here’s a survey, compliments of Mari.

And now for something completely TMI…