I loved that movie. Anyway, on with the humor…I decided to post this because it vaguely reminded me of Geoffrey. If you don’t understand why – please, just never mind.

9> She’s in the garage dividing a huge stack of money between her and some guy named ‘Don.’ She gives you five large “to keep yer trap shut.”

8> Hired killer? You mean the food she cooks is that bad on purpose?

7> “She just stared at the mugger. Within five seconds, he was giving us back our money and handing over his watch and gun.”

6> For some reason, all your football buddies die quickly, and any pictures of them have the eyes blackened out.

5> Whenever you two fight, instead of kissing and making up, it’s “Don’t talk that way again. I can take you out and make it look natural.”

4> She has a great collection of ski masks, yet she’s never been out of Miami Beach in her life.

3> His pre-teen crack whores kicked him out of the ‘hood, there won’t be a congressional election for two years and he flunked law school, so “hired killer” was the only morally equivalent job available.

2> During the show “The Search for Jimmy Hoffa,” he chuckles and says, “That’s only two states… you’ve got 17 more to go, morons.”

1> All the tequila in the world would not make Angie fall for you if there weren’t a lump of cash and your head on a platter involved.

I don’t normally blog about celebrities, unless they’re really cool. I most certainly don’t think these two are cool, but somehow I find the trainwreck that is their cumulative romantic past oddly compelling. And that whole “combine two names to make a nickname for the couple” thing is horrible irksome, especially when Tom Cruise is involved…but maybe I’ll start calling my eldest & her boy “Ryannie” – hey, that’s kinda catchy! Obnoxious, but catchy. (Sadly, I cannot figure out a couple’s nickname for the other couples I know…”Madoug” is just Not Right, and I’m pretty sure I’d get slapped if I referred to my Number One Internet Fanboy and his lady as “Kardawn.” Better not to chance it.)

Number five on the list is truly scary…I thought I’d successfully blocked the trauma of seeing that movie in the theater from my memory, but sadly, I can still remember it. Just a little, though.

8> “I didn’t know Vera Wang had a maternity line.”

7> “Damon could have married her much better.”

6> “I heard the prenup stipulates that they don’t make a movie together.”

5> “At least all the comic book geeks will finally get to find out what the child of Elektra and Daredevil looks like.”

4> “There are more people at this reception than went to his last three movies.”

3> “If THIS doesn’t work out, ‘Ben Affleck’ is gonna be an alias.”

2> “I Jennifer, take you Matt, um, I mean Ben….”

1> “She always said she’d marry someone who wasn’t in the industry, and she was right.”

Geoffrey has a bumper sticker on our car that says, “Shut up, hippie” (right over the one that says, “Treehugger”), It’s because Geoffrey is that rarest of creatures, a sensible environmentalist. He has his radical ideas, but he’s not so inane as to think he has the right to push them onto anyone else. Unlike Some People…one of whom apparently decided to be incredibly rude & nasty, and insult a friend of mine in her own blog comments.

I think the main reason I can’t get along with most hippies is their fairy-tale belief that how they believe the world should work is how it would work if people were just “educated” or “enlightened.” You know what? Uh-uh, nope, not happening. Human nature is human nature, and the majority of human beings have a big problem with their efforts not being suitably rewarded, and/or with other people putting forth little effort to gain the same rewards as those who put forth much effort (which is why communes and communism don’t ever last!).

A lot of Wiccans have this same foolish idea – that if people were just “educated” or “enlightened,” the world would be some kind of Pagan paradise. Come to think of it, a lot of poly people share this same illusion – that if people were just “educated” or “enlightened,” there would be far fewer dysfunctional relationships, and monogamy wouldn’t be so pervasive. Uh-uh, nope, sorry Charlie. Making the effort to actually be consistently responsible and self-aware and (gasp!) genuinely open-minded (instead of just talking about it), is just too damned much effort for most people to bother with. Them’s the breaks, so grow up and get over yourself already. (Not that anything I say here will make one whit of difference in anyone’s life, but hey, I’m entertaining myself without hurting anyone else, and if you don’t like what I say, you have my very hearty blessing to go away!)

And besides, practicalities come first most of the time. There’s a saying in the Wiccan/Pagan community (at least among the more sensible Pagans): “If you’re hungry, invoke for food. If you’re sick, invoke for health. If you’re poor, invoke for money. If you’re lonely, invoke for love. If you’re sad, invoke for happiness. THEN you can start invoking to save the rain-forest!” I believe the Christians phrase it even more succinctly: “God helps those who help themselves.” Hey, big surprise, it works for Pagans the exact same way!

Basically, when the fluffy-bunny idealism-stoked hippies produce a meal that is as tasty, as readily-available, and as inexpensive as a McDonald’s meal, then I’ll eat at their restaurants! But it hasn’t happened yet, and you know what? I just don’t see it ever happening, at least not until cat-herding becomes a recognized & highly-paid profession.

And Mari made a most excellent point, about those who slam consumerism & corporate America & anything else that burns their hippie butts – don’t be a hypocrite. It just makes you look stupid, as well as foolish.

It appears that my life shouldn’t revolve around caffeine quite as much as it does. Every weekday last week, I wound up with insomnia that kept me up past midnight, resulting in my feeling like a barely-animated member of the undead the following day, requiring lots of caffeine to prevent falling asleep at my desk. Which, naturally, exacerbated the insomnia and made for yet another night of less than 5 hours’ sleep.

The weekend saved my ass and, hopefully, got my sleep deficit caught up. Friday night I had a full 8 hours’ sleep, and possibly would have slept longer if it hadn’t been for my darling daughter phoning me with girly woes that only Mommy could tend. And last night, after a second weekend of Bruce Willis double-headers (last weekend was Die Hard 1 & 2, this weekend was Die Hard 3 & Armageddon), I snuggled into my pillow on the sofa while Geoffrey played Evercrack. I told him I was just going to nap for a couple hours – which, truly, was my intention.

I slept 5 hours on the sofa, after which Geoffrey hauled my butt to bed, and I slept another 7 or so hours there. This morning I felt pretty darned rested, and started my morning by being amused at the squirrels feasting on their new Squirrel Chow, and the cats watching them in frustration from the windowsill. *chortle*

This next bit is all their fault:

CosmicBabe Siamese Fighting Fish Agility 6 | Strength 4 | Stamina 4 Battle Rating 14 Origins CosmicBabe’s origins are unknown Can your fishy beat CosmicBabe ?

Here are my 30-second (or so) impressions on movies I’ve seen in the last three months:

Unbreakable – Got this movie because it was directed by M. Night Shyamalan, the guy who did Signs (which I loved). Unbreakable is unmemorable; 2 months after seeing it, I’d literally forgotten that I’d watched it.

Mean Girls – Very amusing, not as good as Heathers overall, but has some great zingers and is better than Heathers comedically.

Equilibrium – An incredibly bad B scifi movie, intruiging concept (which could have been done quite well) but really crappy writing, acting, & directing. Clear evidence that Christian Bale can’t act his way out of a wet paper bag.

Bully – Based on a true story, and it helps explain why “reality TV” is so pathetic, because the lives examined in this movie are utterly not worth examining. There is not a single thing redeemable about this film; it’s a crime anyone made money off this garbage.

Apocalypse Now – Martin Sheen does a Viet Nam movie. His son Charlie did better in Platoon, which was a better Viet Nam movie (mainly because it was not nearly as boring). This movie meanders like a drunken schizophrenic, but isn’t nearly as interesting to watch.

To Kill a Mockingbird – Speaking of boring, this movie contained endless gratuitous prattle & tediously dragged-out scenes. Gregory Peck overacts (but woodenly!) in a moralistic tale of a black man on trial for raping a white woman in the South when racism was unquestioned & considered correct. The unhappy ending was predictable & anti-climactic.

Alone In The Dark – Not all movies made from video games are crap; I don’t play video games but I really liked Resident Evil and even AVP: Alien Vs. Predator. That’s not to say that Resident Evil & AVP are necessarily good movies, but they are entertaining. And Alone In The Dark was just non-entertaining crap.

Batman Begins – Yet again, Christian Bale proves he can’t act, which is fine, because neither can his love interest in the film, Katie Holmes. Michael Caine & Morgan Freeman rock, practically stealing the show, and are both in great shape for men their age. Neither Liam Neeson nor Rutger Hauer put any effort toward their roles. Cillian Murphy is a delicious villain.

Die Hard – One of the best action-thriller films of all time. Bruce Willis kicks ass as a reluctant smart-ass hero, Alan Rickman is a delicious villain, and shit gets blown up. What more do you need?

Die Harder (Die Hard 2) – Not as great as the original, but still a fun & entertaining action-thriller. This movie desperately needed a delicious villain, but made due with a handful of so-so villains. Bruce kicked ass anyway.

Die Hard: With a Vengeance – Better than the second, not quite as good as the first. Jeremy Irons was a delicious villain but could have had more villainy; Samuel L Jackson was a scene-stealing sidekick; Bruce was scrumptiously snarky.

Dodgeball – Ben Stiller annoys the living crap out of me, so it surprised me that I didn’t hate this movie lots. Amusing, some great comedic bits, funny in the about the same way that Happy Gilmore was funny, except that Ben Stiller isn’t half as entertaining as Adam Sandler.

Armageddon – Ben Affleck looks cranky a lot, Liv Tyler cries prettily a lot, Billy Bob Thornton shakes his head while looking concerned a lot, Owen Wilson is annoying a lot, Steve Buscemi is a great psychotic weasel a lot, and Bruce Willis saves the world a lot. Peter Stormare absolutely steals the show as the Russian cosmonaut! Stuff gets blown up a lot (carnage scenes are always good), which certainly makes up for the somewhat-uneven acting & pacing of this flick.

Magnolia – Will somebody PLEASE give the writer/director some Ritalin?! The DVD case proclaims dozens of film awards, and Angst’s boyfriend said this was his favorite movie of all time, but all I can think is, “Holy hell, what a craptastic waste of 3 hours of my life!” Disjointed, nonsensical, uninteresting. If the writer/director was trying to make a “concept” movie, he succeeded there, but it didn’t save the movie from being a total waste of celluloid.

Update:
War of the Worlds – Wow, carnage scenes galore! Fast-paced, intense, and lots of stuff gets blown up. Better than I expected, and seriously NOT for anyone under about age 15 (or anyone who’s not partial to movies that make you jump). Already impressive in her roles in I Am Sam and Uptown Girls, Dakota Fanning can pick up her Oscar anytime now. Worth seeing on the big screen!

I have a tagline somewhere that says, “If it wasn’t for the last minute, I’d never get anything done.” It’s not so darned funny right now…

My second-favorite co-worker (because of course Molly is the first) was scheduled to start her maternity leave Aug. 3rd. Her doctor informed her that, due to minor complications (that they’re hoping to prevent becoming major complications), she needs to move that up to Right Freaking Now. So her last day is tomorrow, and I’m gonna miss her tons.

I mean, having another snarky Gemini chick sitting at the next desk over was tons of fun. (Now I’ll have to just put up with the snarky Gemini guy at the next desk over. Yes, in the 4-square of cubes that I’m part of, 3 of us are Geminis, and the other is our supervisor. I think we make him nervous.)

And to celebrate her maternity leave, my supervisor gave me one of her agencies. *sigh* Just when I get doing all the invoicing & such for one agency down pat, they stick me with another. This whole responsibility thing makes me nervous when the monthly check-request totals start getting perilously close to 7 figures. Eep!

So I now must get offline and crochet the rest of the baby blanket I’ve been making for her. It’s approximately 80% done…I might have to crochet for 5 or 6 hours to finish it, but by gods, it will be done before I fall asleep tonight!

I had a semi-rough day at work, running on too little sleep and too much caffeine.

Afterward, I went to Curves and worked out until I was worn out.

On my way home, my bad knee reminded me, with a vengeance, how city driving with a manual transmission aggravates it.

I’m slightly bloated, vaguely tense, emotionally edgy, and generally pms-ing.

And I’ve got a migraine brewing, the preview of which suggests it just might be slightly less painful than a hydrogen bomb.

But then again, I have also just finished reading my nearly-pristine, first edition, sought-after-for-years, packaged-in-plastic-sleeves copies of Antinomy and Melancholy Elephants…for which I paid a small fortune, but worth every penny.

Sweet memories of Rad-Con, years ago, listening to him singing a love song he wrote for his wife…it started out like this:

Come to my bedside and let there be sharing
Uncounterfeitable sign of your caring
Take off the clothes of your body and mind,
Bring me your nakedness…help me in mine…

Spider always makes my smiles and my tears well up simultaneously.

[insert Lee Greenwood “Proud To Be An American” song here]

[or not]

Screw the fireworks and the barbeques and the flag stickers on your car. (Especially the fireworks, which I believe are horrifyingly dangerous and should be illegal outside of professional displays.) All that really matters on this holiday is what happened two hundred and twenty-nine years ago, and how we uphold those standards in word and deed today.

…you find yourself humming the theme song from Sutek’s Tomb.
…the sales staff at Limited Too get terribly excited when they see you enter the store.
…you’ve named your pets Grarrl, Scorchio, Aisha, & Kougra.
…you’re seriously considering naming your first daughter Jhudora or Illusen.
…you see a fantasy art print of a horse with a horn on its forehead and think, “What a cute Uni!”
…you realize in the middle of the dream you’re having, a box pops up in front of you with the caption, “Something Has Happened!”
…omelettes are your favorite breakfast food.
…you find out that the lady you babysit for has a Neopets account, so you ask her to pay you in Neopoints.
…about once a year, you eat nothing but Happy Meals for about a month straight.
…you decorate your holiday tree in Neopets plushies you got out of your Happy Meals.
…you realize you’ve been playing so long in one sitting that the gross foods – Tuna Porridge, Intestines and Marinara, Ketchup Ice Cream, etc – are making you realize you’re getting hungry.
…you’re banned by the Shop Wizard at least 3 times a day.
…when people ask you about your pets, they’re expecting to hear about your cats or dog or fish – but you start extolling the virtues of your Chomby and your Usul.
…you’re hoping you never see a Disco Toilet, Kelp Window Blinds, or an Evil Blue Fuzzle Chair in real life.
…your friend looks at you funny when you say, “Neomail me,” and then you realize they don’t play Neopets.
…you not only know what the initials TCG stand for, but you’ve played in TCG Tournaments.
…you know exactly how far you are from reaching the next account level at the National Neopian Bank.
…you get excited about stumbling onto a new avatar.
…your gallery is so big that it takes forever to load – even on a cable modem!
…you have as many np as Adam!