If you don’t read my comments, you wouldn’t have spotted this utterly hilarious link contributed by Anthony (a total hottie down in California, who I met online years ago on a poly discussion list). It’s partly hilarious because it’s so fuq’ing true!

And which of the assorted Poly Phrases have I committed personally? With chagrin, I admit to the following mis-steps (hopefully far, far in the past…though I’m sure my partners will correct me if not):

Poly Phrase: “The most important thing to me is keeping agreements.”

English Translation: “If you start seeing someone else and I’d feel unsophisticated just saying that I’m jealous, then I’ll reinterpret one of our agreements until I’m able to say you broke it.”

Poly Phrase: “I want you to always feel OK telling me what’s really going on in your life, and asking for what you need in this relationship.”

English Translation: “Ask for what you need, and express hurt feelings, at your peril.”

Poly Phrase: “We obviously need to work on our relationship.”

English Translation: “We’re through, I just want to vent a little more so that I can feel a little more self-righteous once you know it’s over too, OK?” (Sorry, Robert. I was a shit.)

Poly Phrase: “So, which conventions do you like to attend, what kind of books do you like to read, what are your spiritual beliefs, and what is your ideal occupation?”

English Translation: “Which science fiction conventions do you like to attend, who is your favorite fantasy author, what form of neo-paganism do you ascribe do, and where in the computer industry would you like to work?” (Oh gods, the author has dated me?!)

Poly phrase: “I’ve had to do a lot of work on that issue myself in my other relationships, and I’d be glad to help you with it if you want.”

English translation: “I’ve tried blaming all my other partners for my shit and they won’t put up with it anymore.”

Poly phrase: “My other partners and I share a lot of interests but we do a lot of things separately, too.”

English translation: “None of my current partners will let me have anal sex with them; will you?” (Yep, the author HAS dated me…)

(And What They Actually Mean…)

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”)

9. There’s a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)

8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way.
(I wouldn’t fuck you with my sister’s twat.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)

6. I’ve got a boyfriend…
(Who’s really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)

5. I don’t date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same ‘solar system’, much less the same building.)

4. It’s not you, it’s me.
(It’s not me, it’s you.)

3. I’m concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I’m celibate.
(I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)

….and the number 1 rejection line given by women
(and what it actually means)

1. Let’s be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with!)

I really hate things being up in the air. I don’t mind having a general idea of what’s going on, with room to be flexible, but I absolutely detest not knowing whatsoever. Maybe it’s part of being a Gemini, maybe it’s part of being curious as the housecats that raised me, maybe it’s part of my control freak nature or some other kind of complex I developed growing up. All I know is that I hate uncertainty that I can’t act upon.

In a somewhat-related note, I would have totally bombed in the military. The whole concept of “on a ‘need to know’ basis” absolutely pisses me off. How dare anyone else decide for me what I need to know?!

So my horoscope for this week says – “I’ll tell you a little cosmic secret, Gemini. One of the best ways to stay on top — which is where you are now, right? — is to keep paying homage to the bottom. So as you harvest your good fortune in the coming weeks, I suggest you express your gratitude for the painful experiences that have taught you how to thrive. While basking in the glow of people’s praise and attention, recall the parts of you that are still unripe. When you come home after a day of radiant success, take out the garbage.”

That’s kinda weird, but then the Free Will Astrology always is — it’s one of the reasons I like it. And the bit about “express your gratitude for the painful experiences that have taught you how to thrive”…that’s second nature for me. I’ve been told by more than a few people that “you’ve been through so much in life,” and yet it seems odd to me that anyone would think much of my life experience is remarkable. I’m simply grateful that I do pay attention to the lessons I’ve had to learn the hard way, and that I am grateful for the pain I’ve been through, because it’s made me a stronger person who makes better decisions than the person I used to be.

Not that I go looking for pain, mind you! After all, one of the reasons I’m so good at learning from my mistakes is the abject desire to avoid similar pain in the future!!! Because one of the secrets of life I’ve discovered is: personal comfort is a lot more important than most people have a clue about. Nothing can beat chenille socks, warm hugs, understanding friends, a sublime orgasm, a profound ritual circle, a softly-purring kitty, a kiss from your daughter, or knowing that home is in the circle of your beloved’s arms. And those are just a few of the things that personal comfort is all about.

Not that it matters, as everyone is honorarily Irish on St. Paddy’s Day, but I actually am about 3/8 Irish – with the rest being Norwegian & Scots/Welsh. But despite all the things that this delightful holiday is about – Guinness, green, leprechauns, green Guinness, pinching people who don’t wear green, dead saints – for me, it’s mostly about food.

My favorite food! Corned beef & cabbage! With potatoes & carrots. And some Irish soda bread on the side. Oh yeah baby…I’ve loved corned beef since I was knee high to a clurichaun.

Not to mention that my roommate Molly – the Culinary Institute student & aspiring chef – has some simmering stock on the stove which smells heavenly, that will be the base for the classic Irish Lamb Stew. My tastebuds will be so blissed out by the time I get to bed tonight…and sharing it with friends will be the best part of it all.

Yes, again I am such a follower -

What’s really hilarious is that Anxiety, my younger demonspawn, calls me “Lizard Mom” because I am always chilly even when the thermostat is cranked up. I guess she was right!

And the winners of various matches? I knocked GreyDuck for a loop, but Kylanath wiped the floor with me. (Guess I shouldn’t have pummeled her man like that…)

Here I am, being such a follower…*grin*

Cool. And strangely appropriate…

This is all Kylanath’s fault. She found it, I just played with it. *grin*

It really bites – and not in a happy, shiny way – to realize you’re stuck somewhere. The sticking that’s gotten to me lately is semi-complicated and probably won’t make much sense, but I feel like writing about it anyway.

Basically, I caught myself in some moderately dysfunctional behavior, and I’m pissed about it. And that dysfunctional behavior was prompted by another dysfunctional behavior entirely, which I’m not seeing can be resolved – except by further dysfunctional behavior – which I won’t indulge in, so therefore I’m being self-accountable. Right?

Wrong. My motivation to force myself to be self-accountable is, in fact, driven by a dysfunctional motivation! So gee, I can’t even get self-accountability done self-accountably.

And to top it all off, I’m entirely willing to blame it all on someone who isn’t actually to blame, rather than those people who potentially are the cause, and I’m unwilling to confront anyone on it because that would reveal how dysfunctional I am. Which are a couple more lovely dysfunctions.

Sometimes it just pisses me off to no end, this entire “self-awareness” and “ethical” and “self-accountable” kick that I’ve been on for years now…it would be so damned much easier and more comfortable (and potentially I’d be happier) to just be blissfully ignorant about how I’m being dysfunctional.

The eldest demonspawn & I had a bit of an adventure this morning. When I got up, Tinhead (my stupid ‘puter) wasn’t feeling like getting online, so I decided to drag my lethargic ass out of the house and Get Some Things Done. I hauled the back seats out of my minivan (which I didn’t think I could do all by myself, but I did!) and started loading the broken dressers & desk that needed to go to the dump. Soon I realized I needed assistance for one of the dressers, and enlisted Angst to help. After getting my Minivan From Hell completely loaded with all the stuff, plus nearly a metric butt-ton of recycling that’s piled up over the months, we were off to the dump.

On the way, we listened to music the way we both like it: LOUD. One song annoyed the crap out of me, but Angst liked it so I tolerated it – and then she made some delightfully snarky comments about the band that truly endeared the child to me. “The lead singer has Bad White Boy Hair,” she announced. “The whole band is kinda scary looking – like some reincarnation of a bad ‘70’s rock band.” I asked her what the name of the band was, and she replied, “The Darkness.” I said that the name of the band was also obviously a reincarnation of a bad ‘70’s rock band, and we giggled ourselves silly.

At the dump, we had lots of fun throwing the glass recycling into the huge metal bins just hard enough to break them. Both of us really wished we had more glass. The sound of glass breaking is intensely satisfying – when you’re doing the breaking!

The minivan was filthy, so we decided to go to a car wash & get some new bumper stickers at my favorite Pagan store, Moonshadow. I’ve been going there for about 8 years now, and the proprietors remember me even though I only go in probably 4 or 5 times a year. They’ve watched the demonspawn grow up, and they always remark on how big the girls are getting. Of course I ended up getting more than a bumpersticker – though I did remember to grab a new one, which says “Have you runed your day yet?” I had to get a couple of books, and some candles & incense, and Angst got a pentacle ring.

So now my yard is tidied up, the recycling is all out of my garage, my minivan is freshly washed & vacuumed and newly adorned, and while I was gone Geoffrey cleaned up the entire living room, as well! Yay! Now I just have the rest of the house to tackle…