With any luck, I’ll be unconscious by 6:07 am. That will be ever so nice. Whoops! — I think I’m actually drooling over the prospect of sleep. (And isn’t that just an attractive visual? *smirk*)

On behalf of the kitties, I want to wish a huge, ginormous thank you to my sponsors!

Alrighty, the last song… I’m tempted to actually use The Last Song for the last song, because it’s one of my favorites (didn’t make it into the Blogathon only because I had more than enough sad songs already, and an arbitrary decision had to be made). However, I wanted a song that I can fall asleep thinking about with a smile on my face.

Hanging By A Moment

performed by Lifehouse

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I’m closer to where I started
I’m chasing after you

I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held onto
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I’m lacking
Completely incomplete
I’ll take your invitation
You take all of me, now

(chorus)
I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held onto
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you
I’m living for the only thing I know
I’m running and not quite sure where to go
And I don’t know what I’m diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There’s nothing else to lose
There’s nothing else to find
There’s nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I’m closer to where I started
I’m chasing after you

(chorus)

Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you

My beloved Geoffrey is many miles away at the moment, but he’ll be home a bit later, and I know he loves this song nearly as much as I do. He’s so very good to me, and for me, and with me.

I keep falling even more in love with him all the time.

And I know I’m wiped out by sleep deprivation now, because I just tried four different ways to spell “necessarily” before I gave up and went to dictionary.com for the correct spelling. Earlier I thought I was having auditory hallucinations, because I kept hearing barely perceptible music and it wasn’t coming from a neighbor or any audio equipment in my house — or so I thought. Then I noticed it went away when I turned my computer speakers off. A-ha! The culprit was located — but it didn’t matter if I turned the volume down to zero on the speakers, I could still hear the music. Barely, not enough to make out a song, but still. I know many of us in PDX have bumper stickers on our cars that say “Keep Portland Weird” but damn, that’s really some nasty radio bleed over the local airwaves if my speakers turned down to zero volume are still picking it up.

Either that, or I’ve got a very subtle poltergeist.

My Happy Ending
performed by Avril Lavigne

So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh…

Let’s talk this over
It’s not like we’re dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don’t leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

(chorus)
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh…

You’ve got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I’m difficult
But so are they
But they don’t know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

(chorus)

It’s nice to know you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It’s nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

(chorus x2)

This song would probably have been appropriate for the last post of my Blogathon 2006 experience, but I wanted the last post at 6 am to be a more cheerful song.

Don’t you love it when a distinctly sad and/or angry song starts getting frequent airplay just when you most need a seriously sad and/or angry song? Yeah, that’s nice. Okay, not so much nice as grudgingly glad, but we’ve probably all been there. So, this song was frequently on the radio when I was last dealing with all the usuals of the “you ripped my heart out, you slimeball ass-hat” routine, and in an odd way it helped me feel better. But here’s the worst part…

When you realize that all the signs of trouble were right there, if you’d only paid enough attention to look with a bit more objectiveness and a bit less emotion. When you realize that the person you were fighting with, fighting (you thought) to save the relationship, was treating you so badly that they didn’t deserve to have you, and all your fighting was simply foolish. When you realize that you believed they loved you because you wanted it to be true so very badly, that you ignored all the ways they were showing you they didn’t actually love you. (Refer back to my last post for those particular ways.)

The very worst part is when you realize they weren’t lying to you and betraying you as badly as you were lying to and betraying yourself. It’s easy not to forgive another for cruel treatment, and I’m the last person to say you should; but it’s somewhat necessary to learn to forgive yourself, if you have any hope of liking and accepting yourself.

Now, excuse me while I kiss this guy…

That Ain’t Love
performed by REO Speedwagon

You tell me what you think I’m feelin’
You know why I do what I do
Why should you listen to a word I’m sayin’
When it’s already so clear to you
You tell me ’bout my bad intentions
You doubt the very things I hold true
I can no longer live with your misconceptions
Baby, all I can say to you is

(chorus)
That ain’t love
I believe you’ve got the wrong emotion
That ain’t love
At least it doesn’t feel like love to me
As long as I say what you wanna hear
Do what you wanna do
Be who you want me to be
You think that’s love
Well baby, that ain’t love to me

We’ve got to talk it over sometime
These feelings won’t just disappear
I’m just gonna keep telling you what’s on my mind
Even if it’s not what you wanna hear
Right now your world and mine are such different places
Through yours I wander lost and confused
And I feel like I’m speaking in a different language
And the only words I haven’t used, are

(chorus)

You keep tellin’ me
You know a place where your life would be better
You’re makin’ plans long-range
But I don’t know how you expect to get there
When you refuse to change

(chorus)

Actually my favorite REO song is Can’t Fight This Feeling (definitely in the Top5 of my favorite Eighties songs, gotta love those power ballads!), but it’s a pretty straight-forward declaration of love type song. This song has probably impacted me a lot more, and I highly recommend it as a list of red flags that practically scream, “Dump this ass-hat!” (And don’t I wish I had a few dozen copies to mail to the jerks who most need to hear it… not that it would matter.) People who love you don’t try to use you, or treat you like a doormat, or belittle you, or excuse away your concerns, or placate you into shutting up and making nice and going along with their program. People who love you also don’t tolerate other people treating you like that. People who love you don’t emotionally attack you or dismiss you when you’re upset or angry; they ask you if there’s anything they can do to help, and they actually listen to you. It must have taken me a good 30 YEARS to learn that batch of lessons so that they stuck. It shouldn’t take anyone that long.

Breakaway
performed by Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I’d end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I’d try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

(chorus)
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky
I’ll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love
I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away
And breakaway

(chorus)

Building with a hundred floors
swinging ’round revolving doors.
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me, but
I gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I’ll spread my wings
And I’ll learn how to fly
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Breakaway
Breakaway

Talk about a song summing up your childhood! It absolutely did mine. I made wishes on everything from dandelion seedballs, to birthday candles, to shooting stars, to white horses, to eyelashes fallen onto my cheek, to the gorgeous pentagram hedge in Oregon City. (Except for the last, those are all traditional superstitions of ways to make wishes. I made up the one about the hedge, just because it was beautiful and I rarely got to see it.) And every wish I made was the same: take me away from this awful place so I can be happy. It wasn’t actually the place; even as a kid, I knew that the place wasn’t as important as the people. But I’d never met anyone in that place that approved of me, or made me feel I belonged.

And I believe that, on a primal level, what we most want is to feel we belong.

Shooting Stars
performed by Cauterize

I know it’s been a long time
You’ve lost that look in your eyes
The one that told me everything was fine without a word
And now we’re standing face to face,
Nothing left to say but goodbye to yesterday

I don’t know if I can make it
I don’t know if I’m that strong
I don’t know where we went wrong but somehow it’s over
In my mind I see you clearly
In my dreams I feel you near me
I want to know, does this feeling go away?

(chorus)
Like shooting stars, we shine and then we fade,
Breaking the promises we made
What about the promises?
What about the promises we made?
What about our plans for forever?
Did they scare you?
Did you need to get away?

You taught me many things
Like how it feels to miss someone so bad
It feels like a part of you is missing
I can tell you one thing
Now that you have gone, I never will forget you
You left your mark

(chorus)

I don’t know if I can make it
I don’t know if I’m that strong
I don’t know where we went wrong but somehow it’s over
In my mind I see you clearly
In my dreams I feel you near me
I want to know, does this feeling go away?

When I have gone and you’ve moved on
Will you remember me?
When I have gone and you’ve moved on
Will you remember me?

(chorus)

If ever a song made me feel even the slightest bit better about a break-up (without being Angry Chick Music), this would be it. It doesn’t soothe the injured pride, or answer the unanswerable questions, or ease the heartache, or even offer hope for the future. It just says what needs to be said, while knowing full well that saying it won’t change a thing other than to let you feel you’ve taken your shot at saying it.

(Don’t worry if that didn’t make sense to you. I’ve been awake for over 22 hours, and as Sgt. Murtaugh said, “I’m getting too old for this shit,” and while it did make sense to me, I’ll be damned if I can explain it any better.)

Maybe it’s just that sometimes you have to be fully and thoroughly cognizant of your hurts before they can start healing, and this song helps plumb the depths. In any case, it’s a great song and I love it.

Everlong
performed by The Foo Fighters

Hello
I’ve waited here for you
Everlong

Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red, out of her head she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me

Slow how
You wanted it to be
I’m over my head, out of her head she sang

(chorus)
And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I’ll ever ask of you
You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you’ve always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang

(chorus x2)

The lyrics might not seem to amount to much, but when you hear the song it’s easy to see why some people have called it “the most beautiful song ever.” Although no song could ever fully express how I feel for Geoffrey, this one does a better job than most. I’m certain that, at times, he and I have both felt over our heads in this relationship …and we often want to be so close and connected that we each want the other to “breathe out so I can breathe you in.” And I have no doubt that everything will feel this real forever.

Naked
performed by Avril Lavigne

I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that’s gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn’t really matter
How I feel inside
This life is like a game sometimes

Then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I’m unprotected
See how I’ve opened up
You’ve made me trust

(chorus)
‘Cause I’ve never felt like this before
I’m naked around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can’t hide
I’m naked around you
And it feels so right

I’m trying to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself
And let the covers fall away
Guess I never had someone like you
To help me fit in my skin

(chorus)

I’m naked around you
Does it show
I’m naked around you
I’m so naked around you
And I can’t hide
You’re gonna see
You’re gonna see right through

I’m so naked around you
And I can’t hide
You’re gonna see right through, baby

When I was thinking of the song that put me most in mind of how I feel about Karel, it was a choice of this one or Ashlee Simpson’s Pieces of Me. I think I actually like the tune and the tempo of Pieces of Me more, but I haven’t actually learned all the words to that song, so I had to go with Avril.

I must have done something really deserving of good karma, to be blessed with falling in love with a dear and trusted friend twice in a lifetime. And neither time was I looking for it… there’s got to be a deeper meaning there somewhere. Or maybe not.

Karel is only the third man that I’ve trusted so intrinsically that I could share anything with him without feeling self-conscious or anxious (Jamie and Geoffrey were the first two). Wow. Just wow.

And ohmigawd, I love this song!!!! A LOT!!!! Really, really loudly!!!!

Can I change my name to Fiona? No? But it’s a pretty name, and I can write an absolutely gorgeous capital F in cursive!

Okay, I’ll just stick with having the song as the personalized ringtone which goes off when I phone my Number One Internet Fanboy. And inflicting EuroTrip on every prospective boyfriend as a test of his coolness. (You think I kid? I assure you not.)

Scotty Doesn’t Know
performed by Lustra

Scotty doesn’t know
That Fiona and me
Do it in my van every Sunday

She tells him she’s in church
But she doesn’t go
Still she’s on her knees, and

(chorus)
Scotty doens’t know, oh.
Scotty doesn’t know-oh.
So don’t tell Scotty!
Scotty doesn’t know,
Scotty doesn’t know.
DON’T TELL SCOTTY!

Fiona says she’s out shopping
But she’s under me
And I’m not stopping

(chorus)

I can’t believe he’s so trusting
While I’m right behind you thrusting

Fiona’s got him on the phone
And she’s trying not to moan
It’s a three way call
And he knows nothing
Nothing!

(chorus)

We’ll put on a show, everyone will go
Scotty doesn’t know
Scotty doesn’t know
Scotty doesn’t knoooooow

The, parking lot — why not?
It’s so cool when you’re on top
His front lawn, in the snow
Laughing so hard, ’cause

Scotty doesn’t know
Scotty doesn’t know

I did her on his birthday

(chorus)

Scotty will know
Scotty has to know
Scotty’s gotta know
Gonna tell Scotty
Gonna tell him myself

Scotty has to know
Scotty has to know
Scotty has to go
Scotty’s gotta go!

No actual Europeans were harmed in the making of this film. And just remember, “This isn’t where I parked my car” is a valid explanation for virtually any mishap.

Seriously, I have no rational idea why I love this song. It makes me laugh almost uncontrollably — that’s all I can say. If you don’t get it, I don’t think I can understand how your brain works well enough to effectively communicate with you.

Yup, that’s pretty much it.

One Thing
performed by Finger Eleven

Restless tonight
‘Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

(chorus)
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

(refrain)
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

(chorus x2)

(refrain x2)

(chorus x3)

Does anyone know what this song is about? Is it some sort of Canadian mystery, like why we call it “Canadian bacon” and they call it “back bacon,” or why hockey is so darned popular up there? Who knows…

I’m just being a smart-ass. That’s what happens when I’m working on my third pot of coffee in 20 hours, and I have to actually start thinking about how to splel words. I mean, spell words.

Honestly, I think the band deliberately left the lyrics as vague as humanly possible (that’s right, Bob, they’ve won the Golden Vague Award! and a lovely set of complimentary tea towels!) so that a great many interpretations could be inferred.

(Or would that be “implied”? Even a grammar fascist sometimes get confused.)

Damn, I was going to write all sorts of deeply meaningful stuff about this song, but while I was entertaining myself with sleep-deprivation comedy, it’s already reached the top of the hour. Bleah. Okay, to sum up:

I love the drums, and the melody, and I could easily listen to this song for hours even without the lyrics (although I really do enjoy the singer’s vocals). As for the lyrics, my own interpretation (unavoidably subjective, at least at 2-freaking-am) is that the song is about finding oneself in a quandry between leaving someone you yearn to be with, or sacrificing your personal integrity and standards. When faced with such a conflict a few times in the past, I’ve gone both directions at different junctures. The right choice is always being true to yourself.

But that doesn’t make it the easy choice. Or the happy choice. Or even necessarily the better choice. It’s simply the only choice you decide you can live with.

It still prompts a bittersweet smile. It still makes my eyes well up. It still reminds me of how I was at 15, how I wished I could be, and how the best of what I wanted then has mostly come to pass now. I have wonderful friends, cherished lovers, terrific kids, and sometimes I’m still astonished at how I’m happier than I ever dreamt I could be. It still helps me believe in the future without losing my connection to the past.