8> The last cat to run for president chose a ball of string as his running mate.

7> Secret Service agents simply shrug off the first 8 assassinations.

6> Bible Belt voters don’t look kindly on candidates who indulge in daily tongue baths.

5> High risk of baby-kissing tragedies resulting from that sandpaper-like tongue.

4> Too much confusion over term limits with that whole nine lives thing.

3> Past alleged use of catnip won’t stand up to public scrutiny.

2> Too easily distracted by confetti and streamers at conventions.

1> Hack up a hairball, land on the front page of the Washington Post.

10> Report back to the Home Planet that the invasion plans are proceeding as scheduled and that operation BAD DOG should commence shortly.

9> Pick their noses, just like everyone else.

8> Carefully monitor all traffic patterns between bedroom and bathroom. Determine strategically perfect location for hairball. Wait until 3am.

7> Work on their translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls.

6> Practice leaping from the ottoman to the bookshelf so it looks graceful and natural when they do it for an “audience.”

5> Clean all of their non-embarrassing body parts.

4> Check that the pin-hole in the water bed is still oozing slowly.

3> Quickly rub the top of the paw in some dirt, so they have an excuse to spend another half-hour licking it clean.

2> Transfer dog droppings from the yard to the living room carpet.

1> Strut and pose in front of a full-length mirror wearing a dog collar and leash.

Our kitty Pumpking had a trick that I’ve never seen duplicated…but maybe that’s just because I’ve largely had stupid cats since then.

She could open the screen door all by herself:

Pumpkin would climb to the top of the screen, push it open with her body as ballast, and climb down to go through the door.

We never did figure out how to make her understand that it’s polite to shut the door after you go through it. But then, I don’t think cats comprehend doors as anything other than “a moving wall, of which I must be on the other side!”

(Edited to correct typo)

Oh, look who’s trying to help me blog! It’s Zadya, my crazy girl kitty! Zadya came from the C.A.T. (Cat Adoption Team) no-kill cat shelter in Sherwood, OR – you know, that charity I’m blogging for. We’ve had Zadya for 3 1/2 years now, and she’s definitely part of the family. Actually, now that I think about it, she gets treated better than most of the rest of the family!

Geoffrey snapped this pic shortly before leaving the house tonight. Uhm, yay? (No, I don’t look glamourous…it’s hot & I hadn’t planned on getting my pic taken, since I don’t have a webcam like some people. *grin* But don’t look at me, look at the beautiful kitty!)

9> Applicants spend hours in the waiting room being ignored, and when they try to read a magazine the receptionist walks across the page.

8> Mandatory psychological therapy to prepare you for the dichotomy of believing that you own the cat, and the knowledge that the cat owns you.

7> Smarter cats beginning to insist on a “total non-dog clause” in the pet/owner contract.

6> You are forced to view “Homeward Bound” to check your reaction when Sassy is injured.

5> The spaying of the future owner.

4> Agency representatives perform a surprise home inspection during which they run a cheese grater over your furniture.

3> Catnip type and cross match.

2> Pick up a couple of extra puncture repair kits for the water bed.

1> Must demonstrate ability to differentiate between a wet Brillo pad and a newly regurgitated hairball… in the dark with just your toes.

June is Adopt-A-Cat Month. But if you didn’t remember to adopt a cat in June, you can always do it right away! There are plenty of shelters and humane societies, like the no-kill shelter I’m blogging for now. (Just barely half-done with the Blogathon – it’s not too late to sponsor!)

9> “Got Masochism?”

8> “Isn’t it about time you got yourself a little pussy?”

7> “Cat: The Other White Meat.”

6> “Sure, it’ll hate you — but you don’t have to walk it.”

5> “Why get Man’s Best Friend when you can get Martha Stewart’s Worst Nightmare?”

4> “Nine lives for the price of one.”

3> “Over a Gazillion Humans Ignored!”

2> “Adopt ‘Bouncy,’ the wicker ripper-upper!”

1> “Tastes great, less filling.”

Is this in poor taste? I think it’s funnier than it’s wrong. But yeah, it’s pretty wrong too.

8> The fire department has better things to do than constantly rescuing the two of you from treetops, all tangled up in the leash and surrounded by barking dogs.

7> Too high a risk of becoming disoriented while Snowball chases her own tail.

6> First bird they spot and you’re a wet stain on the 3rd Avenue bus lane.

5> Involuntary 2-mile sprints after every dog encounter.

4> They weave in and out of your ankles a few times and next thing you know you’re being treated for a broken jaw.

3> Sunny spot in the middle of the road? Nap time!

2> Too many injuries caused by slipping on hairballs.

1> That daily jump to the top of the refrigerator is a killer.

9> The nation’s new closest ally: Egypt.

8> There’s a whole new meaning to a Congressional committee’s burying a bill.

7> All dogs have been rounded up and sent to Guantanamo.

6> NASA, the FBI, the CIA and the Department of Defense are all dedicated to one task: unlocking the mysterious canned tuna/electric can opener connection.

5> New cabinet post: Secretary of the Department of Shiny Things.

4> Fire hydrants are now surrounded by electric fencing.

3> Forget to clean the litter box? Hello, IRS auditor.

2> The Constitution has been amended to prohibit vacuum cleaners. (This is also a sign that bachelors have taken over the government).

and the Number 1 Sign Cats Have Taken Over the Government…

1> Al Gore is being used as a scratching post.

1> Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth to swallow.

2> Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3> Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4> Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of fridge. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

5> Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foilwrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end ofdrinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow pill down drinking straw.

6> Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

7> Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

8> Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

9> Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining-room table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from garden shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

10> Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

11> Arrange for vet to make a house call.

For a while in the very early eighties, my mother belonged to a local pet-rescue group called Aid for Animals. Since we weren’t well-off enough financially to give money, her volunteer contribution consisted of being a foster home for cats in need of temporary shelter. We often had up to 3 rotating “visitor” cats, along with the two permanent feline members of our family.

Sometimes the kitties we fostered weren’t well, but we did our best to shower them all with lots of love. We nicknamed this cat Babe, because she was always so affectionate. Babe had cancer and died after about a month with us. But we did our best to make her last days happy ones, and she brought a great deal of joy to us before she went.

To help other kitties that need a loving home & medical care, sponsor my Blogathon eforts for the Cat Adoption Team no-kill shelter!

I believe I was just-turned-11 in this pic.

At the end of summer 1978, my idyllic childhood (*wry grin*) in Hawaii came to an end, when my parents announced they were getting a divorce and my mother was taking my sister & I to live in her old hometown in Oregon. I was quite unhappy, for many reasons, one of which was that we had to leave Pumpkin behind in Honolulu, with a new family to love her. (Since there is a 6-month pet quarantine on the Hawaiian islands, people generally didn’t bring their pets with them when they move there, so pets were a somewhat scarce commodity. In Hawaii in the late seventies, even a mixed-breed cat or dog advertised in the newspaper would garner at least $20 or so, as opposed to the “free to good home” ads seen nearly everywhere else.)

A few months after arriving in Oregon, my mother brought home 2 kittens from her uncle’s ranch, and gave them to my sister & me. I missed my father terribly (yes, I was a daddy’s girl), and so I named my kitten Primo, after my dad’s favorite brand of beer. Primo was the first cat that was intended to be my pet from the start.

In case you don’t want to do the math, I’m about 9 1/2 in the picture. (Again, note the lovely seventies decor, and my purple dress.)