I’m never going to forget this phrase: “there’s a little F-16 in my pants.”
Wendi Aarons is my new hero. I would read her blog at work for the stress relief, but I’m pretty sure my manager would call in Animal Control to deal with the hyena in my cubicle.
(I know it’s been 4 days since my wedding and I haven’t blogged it. I will, I promise. Just waiting for My Number One Internet Fanboy and Official Wedding Photographer to get me some piccies. Also my stress levels need to be brought down by at least a few nights on the luscious 500-thread count sheets that Geoffrey’s awesome aunt got us, which are finally going on the bed tonight.)
What did I get for my 40th birthday? A snakebite! Sebastian (the baby California kingsnake that belongs to Anxiety) grabbed the inside of my pinkie right where it meets my hand (that blurry silver thing in the pic is my Claddagh ring).
Silly me overlooked the fact that Sebastian was in hunting mode, and decided to take her out of her cage. (That’s not a typo; Sebastian is female — Anxiety named her before we found out her gender.) When she first bit me, I honestly didn’t feel it. I mean, her entire head is about the size of the fingernail on my ring finger, so you can imagine how tiny her teeth are. But she’s got quite the bite pressure! I tried wedging a fingernail between my skin and her teeth, and absolutely could not do it. So I had Lyse take some pics with her cell phone while I waited for Sebastian to let go.
As I waited, Sebastian decided to subdue her prey’s squirming by grinding her little teeth, which I definitely did feel. Still, it didn’t exactly hurt, it just wasn’t comfortable. And Sebastian showed no interest in letting go! Remembering how I got the last snake that bit me (which was a 5-foot boa constrictor) to release its bite (they stop biting when they figure out that you’re too big to eat), I gently shook my hand — and Sebastian — a few times. Presto, she let go.
I now have several pinprick-sized bite holes that did actually bleed a few drops, and a small but significant amount of bruising around them. Since over 90% of reptiles do carry salmonella in their system, the treatment for a non-venomous bite is pretty simple: wash the hell out of it, plus Neosporin to prevent secondary infection. I’m sure all the marks will be gone in less than a week (unlike the bite from the 5-foot boa, which left small scars that didn’t fade for a few years, since the skin was actually slightly torn).
Also today, I got a much better birthday gift, from Kylanath! She got me a couple cookbooks from my Powell’s wishlist (that I really wanted but probably wasn’t ever going to buy for myself), and a pair of kick-ass drinking glasses: a gorgeous blue one that says “Bitch” and a beautiful purple one that says “Slut.” Woo hoo! I’m seriously envious of both her ability to choose amazing gifts, and her phenomenal gift-wrapping talents. (Due to my extra-special birthday migraine, I forgot to take her pressie over when I dropped in on her this evening, so she’ll get it this weekend.)
One of my coworkers sent me this link (it increased my opinion of her tremendously, I might add). Some of the best lines:
Australia has more terror per capita than Elm Street, so if something looks like a nightmarish monster, odds are it’s probably a household pet in the land down under.
Australia: Even though nature vomited monsters all over this barren isle of Lovecraftian horror, we fucking live here anyway, because we just don’t give a shit.
See, Geoffrey having an Aussie girlfriend totally makes sense to me now.
Don’t know what “peruse” means? Get a fucking dictionary.
Now then…
Best blog for a laugh I’ve found in ages — be sure to read the readers’ comments, too, as many of them are easily as funny as the actual articles. I especially recommend the review of Clocky, which is a product I’ve been tempted to get myself. Don’t miss the accompanying video for the Hula Chair! (And hey, Lyse, I told you the Kinoki Foot Pads were a giant scam.)
On the less-impressive side, I’m rather horrified that Cathay Pacific Airlines actually apologized to the stupid bint who was embarrassed by a video posted on the Internet that showed her throwing a temper tantrum over missing a flight. Anyone who is “wailing, throwing herself on the floor, banging on an airport counter and trying to barge through a closed boarding gate” in public DESERVES to be embarrassed on the Internet. Foralltime.
Many thanks to Breda for introducing me to Steven Crowder, who made me laugh so hard that I had to try to explain it to my Saturday coworkers. I really loved this one:
Wondered what, exactly, the lovely stimulus package that the POTUS has suckered us into actually looks like? The $787 billions (or is that a few trillion?) of dollars isn’t a concept I could really wrap my brain around. But this will show you. I was impressed (or do I mean “aghast”? go ahead, check that dictionary…I’ll wait). We need one of those cute educational films, the kind they used to make schoolkids in the 1950’s watch, titled “Public Debt, what does it mean to you?”
Speaking of the gub’mint, I really enjoyed this list of suggestions for Alternate Names for the “Assault Weapons” Ban — also a great idea to read the readers’ comments in this article! (Do you even know what an assault weapon is? There is no make or model of gun called “Assault Weapon,” after all. It’s a propoganda term — Americans alreadycan’t legally own machine guns, AKA fully automatic firearms, and several other weapons classified as “Title II weapons” without fulfilling the following: obtain permission from the ATF, obtain a signature from the county sheriff or city/town chief of police, pass an extensive background check to include submitting a photograph and finger prints, fully register the firearm, receive ATF written permission before moving the firearm across state lines, and pay a $200 tax.)
Sadly, I did not know about the passing of a great American until a whole week after it happened. I grew up listening to this guy on the radio; those segments are what began my enduring fascination with history:
And because it’s an oldie but a goody, here’s a letter my mom sent me, that my grandma might have written. (Didn’t, mind you, but might have!)
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It’s a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of God, go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Then everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way, with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing — why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray with me, or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the Christian love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon,
The whole article made me giggle (a lot) but the last sentence had me howling with laughter!
In other news, my high-risk factors for skin cancer (being light-skinned, freckling easily, most of my older relatives have had skin cancer) means that I now have a medical reason to drink coffee!
With all the miserable news these days (including me being so sick I forgot what breathing without constantly thinking about it feels like), I figured a little levity was in order.
The women who came up with this are clearly geniuses: sell the stuff your ex gave you that you don’t want but aren’t about to give back to him! What better way to recycle bad memories into cash that you can spend on good memories?!
Kinda makes me wish I’d insisted on a few of my exes getting me some of those silly shiny rocks that so many women go bonkers over.
Have I mentioned that I collect coffee mugs? Yup, I do. Currently own just over 30 of them, not counting the ones that technically belong to Geoffrey or one of my demonspawn.
LOS ANGELES, CA. (January 3, 2009) A burglar in Los Angeles chose the wrong celebrity to mess with — quite literally.
Actress Jennifer Aniston and her personal assistant Debi Burke returned to Aniston’s Hollywood Hills home yesterday after a week away to find that thieves had emptied almost everything in the house.
“Tears just rolled down my face as I walked in and saw everything gone and piles of trash all over my home,” Aniston reportedly said.
Aniston sent her assistant to the local police precinct to file a report while she inspected the piles left behind. As she walked back into the sunroom, a man walked through the back door straight into her, Aniston said.
“Jenifer caught the thief red-handed in her home,” Burke said. “And what is even crazier, the man even had Jennifer’s hat sitting right on his head.”
Aniston reportedly held the suspect, 33-year-old Tadd Bruce, at gunpoint and told him to sit on the floor until she decided what to do.
“She made this man clean up all the mess he made, piles of stuff, he had thrown out of the drawers and cabinets onto the floor,” Burke said.
When Burke and the police arrived, Bruce complained about being forced to clean the home at gunpoint.
“This man had the nerve to raise sand about us making him clean up the mess he made in my house,” Aniston said incredulously. “The police officer laughed at him when he complained and said anybody else would have shot him dead.”
Police arrested Bruce 2 p.m. Friday on burglary and theft charges. He was being held in the Los Angeles County Detention Facility on a $30,000 bond.
