Just one more Angry Chick Song. They’re addictive, even when you’re not angry (or necessarily a chick).

And I know I’m wiped out by sleep deprivation now, because I just tried four different ways to spell “necessarily” before I gave up and went to dictionary.com for the correct spelling. Earlier I thought I was having auditory hallucinations, because I kept hearing barely perceptible music and it wasn’t coming from a neighbor or any audio equipment in my house — or so I thought. Then I noticed it went away when I turned my computer speakers off. A-ha! The culprit was located — but it didn’t matter if I turned the volume down to zero on the speakers, I could still hear the music. Barely, not enough to make out a song, but still. I know many of us in PDX have bumper stickers on our cars that say “Keep Portland Weird” but damn, that’s really some nasty radio bleed over the local airwaves if my speakers turned down to zero volume are still picking it up.

Either that, or I’ve got a very subtle poltergeist.

My Happy Ending
performed by Avril Lavigne

So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh…

Let’s talk this over
It’s not like we’re dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don’t leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

(chorus)
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh…

You’ve got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I’m difficult
But so are they
But they don’t know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

(chorus)

It’s nice to know you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It’s nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

(chorus x2)

This song would probably have been appropriate for the last post of my Blogathon 2006 experience, but I wanted the last post at 6 am to be a more cheerful song.

Don’t you love it when a distinctly sad and/or angry song starts getting frequent airplay just when you most need a seriously sad and/or angry song? Yeah, that’s nice. Okay, not so much nice as grudgingly glad, but we’ve probably all been there. So, this song was frequently on the radio when I was last dealing with all the usuals of the “you ripped my heart out, you slimeball ass-hat” routine, and in an odd way it helped me feel better. But here’s the worst part…

When you realize that all the signs of trouble were right there, if you’d only paid enough attention to look with a bit more objectiveness and a bit less emotion. When you realize that the person you were fighting with, fighting (you thought) to save the relationship, was treating you so badly that they didn’t deserve to have you, and all your fighting was simply foolish. When you realize that you believed they loved you because you wanted it to be true so very badly, that you ignored all the ways they were showing you they didn’t actually love you. (Refer back to my last post for those particular ways.)

The very worst part is when you realize they weren’t lying to you and betraying you as badly as you were lying to and betraying yourself. It’s easy not to forgive another for cruel treatment, and I’m the last person to say you should; but it’s somewhat necessary to learn to forgive yourself, if you have any hope of liking and accepting yourself.