There is absolutely no redeeming social value to this song. The lyrics are stupidly juvenile, the tune might span 3 chords but I doubt it, and it’s from the soundtrack of an absolutely ridiculous little movie.

And ohmigawd, I love this song!!!! A LOT!!!! Really, really loudly!!!!

Can I change my name to Fiona? No? But it’s a pretty name, and I can write an absolutely gorgeous capital F in cursive!

Okay, I’ll just stick with having the song as the personalized ringtone which goes off when I phone my Number One Internet Fanboy. And inflicting EuroTrip on every prospective boyfriend as a test of his coolness. (You think I kid? I assure you not.)

Scotty Doesn’t Know
performed by Lustra

Scotty doesn’t know
That Fiona and me
Do it in my van every Sunday

She tells him she’s in church
But she doesn’t go
Still she’s on her knees, and

(chorus)
Scotty doens’t know, oh.
Scotty doesn’t know-oh.
So don’t tell Scotty!
Scotty doesn’t know,
Scotty doesn’t know.
DON’T TELL SCOTTY!

Fiona says she’s out shopping
But she’s under me
And I’m not stopping

(chorus)

I can’t believe he’s so trusting
While I’m right behind you thrusting

Fiona’s got him on the phone
And she’s trying not to moan
It’s a three way call
And he knows nothing
Nothing!

(chorus)

We’ll put on a show, everyone will go
Scotty doesn’t know
Scotty doesn’t know
Scotty doesn’t knoooooow

The, parking lot — why not?
It’s so cool when you’re on top
His front lawn, in the snow
Laughing so hard, ’cause

Scotty doesn’t know
Scotty doesn’t know

I did her on his birthday

(chorus)

Scotty will know
Scotty has to know
Scotty’s gotta know
Gonna tell Scotty
Gonna tell him myself

Scotty has to know
Scotty has to know
Scotty has to go
Scotty’s gotta go!

No actual Europeans were harmed in the making of this film. And just remember, “This isn’t where I parked my car” is a valid explanation for virtually any mishap.

Seriously, I have no rational idea why I love this song. It makes me laugh almost uncontrollably — that’s all I can say. If you don’t get it, I don’t think I can understand how your brain works well enough to effectively communicate with you.

Yup, that’s pretty much it.