Here are my 30-second (or so) impressions on movies I’ve seen in the last three months:

Unbreakable – Got this movie because it was directed by M. Night Shyamalan, the guy who did Signs (which I loved). Unbreakable is unmemorable; 2 months after seeing it, I’d literally forgotten that I’d watched it.

Mean Girls – Very amusing, not as good as Heathers overall, but has some great zingers and is better than Heathers comedically.

Equilibrium – An incredibly bad B scifi movie, intruiging concept (which could have been done quite well) but really crappy writing, acting, & directing. Clear evidence that Christian Bale can’t act his way out of a wet paper bag.

Bully – Based on a true story, and it helps explain why “reality TV” is so pathetic, because the lives examined in this movie are utterly not worth examining. There is not a single thing redeemable about this film; it’s a crime anyone made money off this garbage.

Apocalypse Now – Martin Sheen does a Viet Nam movie. His son Charlie did better in Platoon, which was a better Viet Nam movie (mainly because it was not nearly as boring). This movie meanders like a drunken schizophrenic, but isn’t nearly as interesting to watch.

To Kill a Mockingbird – Speaking of boring, this movie contained endless gratuitous prattle & tediously dragged-out scenes. Gregory Peck overacts (but woodenly!) in a moralistic tale of a black man on trial for raping a white woman in the South when racism was unquestioned & considered correct. The unhappy ending was predictable & anti-climactic.

Alone In The Dark – Not all movies made from video games are crap; I don’t play video games but I really liked Resident Evil and even AVP: Alien Vs. Predator. That’s not to say that Resident Evil & AVP are necessarily good movies, but they are entertaining. And Alone In The Dark was just non-entertaining crap.

Batman Begins – Yet again, Christian Bale proves he can’t act, which is fine, because neither can his love interest in the film, Katie Holmes. Michael Caine & Morgan Freeman rock, practically stealing the show, and are both in great shape for men their age. Neither Liam Neeson nor Rutger Hauer put any effort toward their roles. Cillian Murphy is a delicious villain.

Die Hard – One of the best action-thriller films of all time. Bruce Willis kicks ass as a reluctant smart-ass hero, Alan Rickman is a delicious villain, and shit gets blown up. What more do you need?

Die Harder (Die Hard 2) – Not as great as the original, but still a fun & entertaining action-thriller. This movie desperately needed a delicious villain, but made due with a handful of so-so villains. Bruce kicked ass anyway.

Die Hard: With a Vengeance – Better than the second, not quite as good as the first. Jeremy Irons was a delicious villain but could have had more villainy; Samuel L Jackson was a scene-stealing sidekick; Bruce was scrumptiously snarky.

Dodgeball – Ben Stiller annoys the living crap out of me, so it surprised me that I didn’t hate this movie lots. Amusing, some great comedic bits, funny in the about the same way that Happy Gilmore was funny, except that Ben Stiller isn’t half as entertaining as Adam Sandler.

Armageddon – Ben Affleck looks cranky a lot, Liv Tyler cries prettily a lot, Billy Bob Thornton shakes his head while looking concerned a lot, Owen Wilson is annoying a lot, Steve Buscemi is a great psychotic weasel a lot, and Bruce Willis saves the world a lot. Peter Stormare absolutely steals the show as the Russian cosmonaut! Stuff gets blown up a lot (carnage scenes are always good), which certainly makes up for the somewhat-uneven acting & pacing of this flick.

Magnolia – Will somebody PLEASE give the writer/director some Ritalin?! The DVD case proclaims dozens of film awards, and Angst’s boyfriend said this was his favorite movie of all time, but all I can think is, “Holy hell, what a craptastic waste of 3 hours of my life!” Disjointed, nonsensical, uninteresting. If the writer/director was trying to make a “concept” movie, he succeeded there, but it didn’t save the movie from being a total waste of celluloid.

Update:
War of the Worlds – Wow, carnage scenes galore! Fast-paced, intense, and lots of stuff gets blown up. Better than I expected, and seriously NOT for anyone under about age 15 (or anyone who’s not partial to movies that make you jump). Already impressive in her roles in I Am Sam and Uptown Girls, Dakota Fanning can pick up her Oscar anytime now. Worth seeing on the big screen!