I just finished watching Kingdom of Heaven. I’m not exactly an Orlando Bloom fan (not by any stretch) but I liked the movie…although I wish Liam Neeson hadn’t died in the first 20 minutes (because I really do like him). Jeremy Irons and David Thewlis were as impressive as usual, albeit in smaller roles than they deserved. And any flick that has trebuchets bombarding a stone-walled city with flame-covered boulders has at least that to recommend it!

In browsing through Netflix to add more movies into my queue, I realized there are several key phrases that seem to be regularly used in the little synopsis of each movie. I’ve rated over 3,300 movies in the 3 years or so that I’ve had Netflix — and at this point the Netflix AI is stumped as to what to recommend for me. Apparently what I like in movies is at least somewhat indefinable (not to me, of course…I simply like movies that capture my imagination, stir my heart, and/or make me laugh my ass off!).

When I see any of the following phrases in a movie synopsis, however, I’m 99.9% certain I never want to see that movie — and here’s what I think the phrases really mean:

• Family-friendly retelling: dull as hell…I mean, dull as heck
• Independent horror offering: four-figure budget with story & acting just as cheap
• Oscar-nominated documentary: pretentious and boring
• Subtitled: headache-inducing and boring
• Classic: tediously slow and boring (except for The Bridge on the River Kwai)
• Moving, inner-city drama: depressing, politically-correct story
• Compelling character study: no plot, no sense, no entertainment
• Hot-button topic: gratuitously volatile and negative, usually to the point of inducing despair
• Romantic comedy: stupid, unfunny, and desperately trying to be cute yet failing (unless it has Adam Sandler and/or Drew Barrymore, in which case it may be stupid but it’s funny and adorably cute)
• Unflinching drama: mind-bogglingly depressing, and probably tedious, to boot
• Madcap comedy: utterly & thoroughly stupid and unfunny
• Political thriller: nerve-gratingly tedious, at least between the explosions & car chases
• Ben Stiller: unpleasant, unfunny, and all-around unappealing
• Continuing adventures: a sequel to another movie that wasn’t very good, either
• Powerful tale: aspires to become a classic, but doesn’t even outshine your average TV afterschool special
• Based on actual events: not that anyone who actually lived through those events would recognize them
• Offbeat, wacky, or zany: mind-numbingly stupid and unfunny
• Indie film: more angst & woe than a Goth convention, and a nonsensical plot (if it even bothers to have one)

I haven’t given many movies a 5-star rating (the highest possible) on Netflix — less than 100, out of the 3,300 I’ve rated — but the ones that I have liked that much are quite varied…everything from Apollo 13 to Dead Calm to In the Name of the Father to U-571 to White Christmas. (And a few personal favorites that were far from cinematic masterpieces — like Evil Dead II, Night of the Comet, Mallrats, and EuroTrip.)

I know I’m not going to like a movie if it’s a family-friendly, zany, powerful tale based on actual events, with subtitles by an independent filmmaker. But feel free to suggest a movie that you’ve liked, that you think I should watch!